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A
Little Doggie Humor |

Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern
Dawgs
(Yankee) German Shepherd
Dog (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.
(Yankee)
Poodle (Southern) Circus Dawg.
(Yankee) St.
Bernard (Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey
Dawg."
(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher (Southern) Dobimin
Pinches.
(Yankee) Beagle (Southern) Rabbit
Dawg.
(Yankee) Rottweiler (Southern) Mean Dawg. Good
dawg to guard the still.
(Yankee) Yellow
Lab (Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg.
(Yankee) Black
Lab (Southern) Duck fetching Dawg.
(Yankee)
Greyhound (Southern) Greased Lightnin'
Dawg.
(Yankee) Malinois (Southern) Another kind of
Poh-leece Dawg.
(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones,
etc. (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.
(Yankee)
Pekinese (Southern) Mop Dawg.
(Yankee) Chinese
Crested (Southern) Nekkid Dawg.
(Yankee)
Dachshund (Southern) Wienie Dawg.
(Yankee) Siberian
Husky (Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.
(Yankee)
Bouvier, Komondor (Southern) "What Kinda Dawg Is
That?"
(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff (Southern)
Danged BIG Dawg.
(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen
house (Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Any lazy
dog (Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Any
dog that's died and been buried and gone to Rainbow
Bridge (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever
had |
The Dog Convention
There was a
Great Dog Convention.
They came from near and
far.
Some came on
bicycles,
and some came in
cars.
Y'know, before they could
enter,
or even take a look,
they had to take their butts
off,
and hang it on a
hook.
But before they even got
seated,
(every mother, pup, and
sire),
An old dog hollered from the
back,
"Run for your life. It's a
FIRE!"
The crowd of dogs began to
panic,
and nobody stopped to
look.
They grabbed the very nearest
butt,
off the very nearest
hook.
And this is why, even
today,
a dog will drop a
bone,
to sniff another dog's
butt,
to see if it's his own.
Multiple Dog
Disorder
Diagnostic
Criteria
Symptoms which MUST be present: 1) Poor
self-control, usually unable to resist "just one more." 2)
100% occupancy of kennel space at all times. 3) Dog food
expenses at least 4 times the grocery bill. And at least 4
of the following: 1) Dog grooming equipment in 4 large
storage crates. 2) Dog & personal grooming supplies in
one overnight bag together. 3) Clean kennels daily, clean
house once a month. 4) Doing dishes means washing more than
a dozen dog bowls. 5) Have a King sized bed, but sleep
clinging to the side to give the dogs room. 6) Yard
securely fenced, landscaping is outside of fence. 7) Attend
Company BBQ to collect a large quantity of rib bones. 8)
Isolated rural location. 9) Others ask "how many dogs do
you have...now"? 10) Pooper Scooper Wrist (similar to
Tennis Elbow). 11) Dry cleaner always finds plastic baggies
in pockets. 12) Used to show pictures of children, now whip
out dog pictures.
Quotes &
Quips |
Dogs and Hotels - A Good
Mix
A man wrote a
letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to
visit on his vacation.
He wrote, "I would very
much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very
well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in
my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from
the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for
many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal
towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've
never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being
drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and
if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here,
too!"
Learning from Your
Dog
Think about what you could learn from your
dog: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp, and
play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm
days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days,
drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. When
you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No
matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt
thing and pout, run right back and make friends. Delight
in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and
enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you
want lies buried, dig until you find it. And MOST OF
all... When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
by and nuzzle them gently.
Why Dogs Don't Like Computers
1.Can't
stick their heads out of Windows '98. 2 Fetch
command not available on all platforms. 3 Hard to
read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
4 Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
5 Can't help attacking the screen when they hear
"You've Got Mail." 6. Fire hydrant icon simply
frustrating. 7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead
giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that virtual
Frisbee. 9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen
Saver. 10. Still trying to come up with an emoticon
that signifies tail wagging. 11. Three words: Carpal
Paw Syndrome. 12. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse
to work. 13. SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE
and SAVE are out of the question! 14. Distracted by
cats chasing the mouse. 15. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo
TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type with
paws!")
You Know You've Gone to the Dogs
When...
- Nobody's feet are allowed
on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to sleep on any
piece they so choose
- It takes an entirely
separate garbage can to handle the poop
- All kinds of things around
the house are in need of repair, but the injured dog you
rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery
and out comes the checkbook
- You and your family
haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the dogs
are all medically up to date
- You start barking at your
children to "Sit! Stay!"
- You're more concerned with
the dogs' needs than your own when the budget gets tight
- At least three of your
five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming,
vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!
- Dog crates double as
chairs and/or tables in your family room
- You can only remember
people by associating them with their dog
- Overnight guests (who
share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with you and
the dog(s)
- You snuggle closer to the
dog than the person with whom you are sleeping
- You decide to downsize
from a huge house in the city to an average country cottage
with lots of land in order to build the kennel of your
dreams
- You spend more time
looking through mail order catalogues for dog supplies than
for Victoria's Secret nighties or Miles Kimball gadgets
- All your social activities
revolve around other dog people
- Your voice is recognized
by your vet's receptionist
- Everyone at the office is
eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were
late for the meeting
- The whereabouts of all
your important legal and personal documents escapes you, yet
you know precisely where to locate the file that includes
all the vet records, breed papers and registration
- Your trunk has an
emergency food kit for any strays you might come across
- The majority of your
charitable contributions go to animal organizations
- To win a precious $.75
show ribbon, you think nothing to forking out hundreds of
dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees,
gas, accommodations and meals
- You no longer have to buy
extra large garbage bags, because the empty, 40 pound dog
food bags work just as well
- Complete strangers call
you on the phone to ask questions because they heard you
were a" dog person"
- Your mom calls and asks
how the granddogs are
- Every gift you ever get
has something to do with dogs
- Your cookie jar has never
seen the likes of people cookies
- You rip up the carpet and
lay tile to make clean up so much easier
- Your children (wife,
husband, etc.) complain that you always take more pictures
of the dog than you do of them
- While proudly showing off
your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there anyone else
in your family besides the dog?"
- Any conversation you're
having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs
- Your first concern when
planning a vacation is whether or not the hotel will take
pets
- You politely bow out of an
important social engagement so you can attend a dog show
- The number one priority
when buying a new house is the size and landscape of the
backyard
- The only (or at least
first) forum you log onto is the animal forum
- You describe your children
as having temperaments rather than personalities
- The cost of boarding your
furkids equals that of your entire vacation
- Your dog decides he
doesn't like someone and you tend to agree
- All your non-dog friends
know to dress down when visiting your house
- Your friends know which
chair not to sit in
- First time visitors wonder
aloud: "Do you smell something?" and you really don't
- You become the family dog
kennel for all your relatives
- You don't think twice
about sitting on the floor because both the couch and the
chair are completely dog full
- Your desk proudly displays
your canine family
- All dates must pass your
dog's inspection
- The first question you ask
when on a date is: "So, do you like animals?"
- You buy a bigger bed that
will comfortably sleep six
- You break down and buy
another pillow so you can have one to sleep on
- More than half your
grocery money goes to dog food and treats
- You buy a mini-van to give
them all enough travel room
- Your carpeting matches the
color of your dog-purposely
- The thought of changing a
baby's diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up dog poop
barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye
- You send out
especially-made holiday cards that feature you and the dogs
- Your spouse issues the
ultimatum: "It's them or me!" and you have no problem
pointing out the suitcase
- You readily allow your
dogs to give you slobbery kisses, but you don't dare wipe a
toddler's nose
- Onlookers grimace at the
sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged
pal, bite for bite
- Your dog has the best
birthday party over and above any kid in the entire
neighborhood
- Your dogs eat only the
most nutritionally sound food, while your favorite meal is
mac'n cheese
- You've traced your dog's
family tree further than you have your own
- You're more familiar with
dog laws than you are with people laws
- You stagger your dog
magazine subscriptions to make sure you'll receive one every
week
- Your vet's office number
is the first one on your speed dial list, his home is number
two
- One of your vet files is
labeled "Other"
- Your vet takes a few extra
courses just to keep up with your breed's assorted ailments
- Your file is the only one
that remains in the "IN" box at the vet's office
- Your file rivals War And
Peace
- You can't remember family
birthdays and anniversaries, but you can rattle off a six
generation pedigree with birthdates, health data and coat
colors at the drop of a hat.
- You have *two* dog doors
between the house and the fenced yard, so the doggies can
run circles, half inside, half outside.
- You rush to get home from
work in time to get some of what your spouse is fixing for
the dogs, since s/he doesn't cook for you.
- You've just spent $60 on
groceries and realize none of it is for yourself.
- Anyone can look at your
(pick all that apply) --- T-shirt - sweatshirt - coffee mug
- keychain - beach towel - cooking apron - couch throw -
tote bag - computer screen
saver/wallpaper/mousepad/wristpad/monitor frame - gift
wrapping paper - photographic displays - calendars -
refrigerator magnets - weather vane - door mat - bumper
stickers - umbrella - Christmas sweater - socks - embroidery
project - child's collection of stuffed animals - sheets and
bedspread - checks - checkbook covers - throw pillows - Home
Pages --- and know immediately that you are a dog lover, AND
probably what particular breed you favor.
- Your bedspread doesn't
have to coordinate with the bedroom, as it's always covered
with a sheet for the dogs, anyway. Ditto for the couches.
- The family's eye doctor is
located in town, but the dog's ophthalmologist is located a
two-hour drive away.
- Your medications are
available at the drug store down the block, but your dog's
medication has to be ordered from and shipped by a
specialist.
- It's easier to get a
hairdresser's appointment for yourself than it is to get one
for your dog.
- Dog hair in food is just
another spice.
- Your dogs have their own
Christmas card and gift list -- and they receive cards and
gifts in return.
- Your dogs have their own
Christmas tree -- and it's so full of ornaments that they
need a larger one.
- The part of your will
dealing with your dogs is longer than any other part.
- The guardians of your dogs
will receive a larger amount of insurance policy money than
will all other members of your family, combined.
- The instructions to the
dog kennel are longer than the instructions to the house
sitter.
- Your personal library is
heavy on dog books -- and so is the library for which you
order books.
- Your favorite month is
April - National Dog Appreciation Month!
- Your dogs have a larger
wardrobe of holiday-related bandanas than you do.
- You hate to go to the
grocery store for people food, but when the dog treats are
gone, off you go with no hesitation, even at the busiest
time.
- You have three Home Pages
-- all of them dealing with your dogs, your friends' dogs,
your dogs' friends, etc.
- The most exciting times on
vacations, no matter where in the world you go, is when you
get to pet a dog (a "canine fix").
- Most of your vacation
pictures are of dogs around the world.
- The largest display of
collectibles in the house is dog stuff -- plates, photos,
cards, etc.
- Kiss your dog more than 10
times per greeting.
- Introduce your dog to the
photographer and ask would you like to kiss fido also.
- Cut your vacations to 3
day weekends only.
- Call long distance and
talk with your dog.
- Order 250 Xmas photos of
just the dog, no family in photos.
- Order 5 x 7 photos of the
kids and order 16 x 20 of SPOT.
- Your Mother's Day
(birthday, anniversary, etc.) present is a puppy.
- The only time you use your
camper is for dog shows.
- The part of the backyard
you finish first is the dog run.
- You spend more time on the
computer dealing with "dog stuff" than "other stuff"
- Your "Welcome" sign has a
dog on it.
- Your e-mail address is
your kennel name.
- Your e-mail address is
your dog/s name.
- When you can't find your
kids, you whistle for them to come.
- Alternatively, you call
the children like a dog: "Here Angie, come on girl".
- You named your last child
after your favorite dog.
- Your good double-breasted
coat has gone without its inside button for four months
because you can't be bothered to take 5 minutes to sew it
back on, but you spend an hour a week stitching your dog's
giggle ball back together.
The Price Of A Dog's Do
A
friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked
what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her 60
bucks, she was shocked. "I only pay 50 dollars for my own
haircut," she said with disdain. "But you don't bite do
you?" the groomer quickly replied. |
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