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 A  Little  Doggie  Humor



Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs


(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg."

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern) Dobimin Pinches.

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Mean Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg.

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetching Dawg.

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg.

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that's died and been buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had

The Dog Convention

 There was a Great Dog Convention.
They came from near and far.
Some came on bicycles,
and some came in cars.
 
Y'know, before they could enter,
or even take a look,
they had to take their butts off,
and hang it on a hook.
 
But before they even got seated,
(every mother, pup, and sire),
An old dog hollered from the back,
"Run for your life. It's a FIRE!"
 
The crowd of dogs began to panic,
and nobody stopped to look.
They grabbed the very nearest butt,
off the very nearest hook.
 
And this is why, even today,
a dog will drop a bone,
to sniff another dog's butt,
to see if it's his own.

Multiple Dog Disorder

Diagnostic Criteria

Symptoms which MUST be present:
1) Poor self-control, usually unable to resist "just one more."
2) 100% occupancy of kennel space at all times.
3) Dog food expenses at least 4 times the grocery bill.
And at least 4 of the following:
1) Dog grooming equipment in 4 large storage crates.
2) Dog & personal grooming supplies in one overnight bag together.
3) Clean kennels daily, clean house once a month.
4) Doing dishes means washing more than a dozen dog bowls.
5) Have a King sized bed, but sleep clinging to the side to give the dogs room.
6) Yard securely fenced, landscaping is outside of fence.
7) Attend Company BBQ to collect a large quantity of rib bones.
8) Isolated rural location.
9) Others ask "how many dogs do you have...now"?
10) Pooper Scooper Wrist (similar to Tennis Elbow).
11) Dry cleaner always finds plastic baggies in pockets.
12) Used to show pictures of children, now whip out dog pictures. 

Quotes & Quips

Dogs and Hotels -  A Good Mix

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"

 Learning from Your Dog                         

Think about what you could learn from your dog:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
And MOST OF all... When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Why Dogs Don't Like Computers

1.Can't stick their heads out of Windows '98.
2  Fetch command not available on all platforms.
3  Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
4  Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
5  Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
6.  Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
7.  Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
8.  Keep bruising noses trying to catch that virtual Frisbee.
9.  Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
10.  Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging.
11.  Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
12.  Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.
13.  SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE and SAVE are out of the question!
14.  Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
15.  TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type with paws!")
 

Pooches Gracias Gift Basket World Famous Gift Baskets
Radio Flyer Wagon Gift Basket



 You Know You've Gone to the Dogs When...

  • Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to sleep on any piece they so choose
  • It takes an entirely separate garbage can to handle the poop
  • All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out comes the checkbook
  • You and your family haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the dogs are all medically up to date
  • You start barking at your children to "Sit! Stay!"
  • You're more concerned with the dogs' needs than your own when the budget gets tight
  • At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming, vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!
  • Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room
  • You can only remember people by associating them with their dog
  • Overnight guests (who share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with you and the dog(s)
  • You snuggle closer to the dog than the person with whom you are sleeping
  • You decide to downsize from a huge house in the city to an average country cottage with lots of land in order to build the kennel of your dreams
  • You spend more time looking through mail order catalogues for dog supplies than for Victoria's Secret nighties or Miles Kimball gadgets
  • All your social activities revolve around other dog people
  • Your voice is recognized by your vet's receptionist
  • Everyone at the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were late for the meeting
  • The whereabouts of all your important legal and personal documents escapes you, yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the vet records, breed papers and registration
  • Your trunk has an emergency food kit for any strays you might come across
  • The majority of your charitable contributions go to animal organizations
  • To win a precious $.75 show ribbon, you think nothing to forking out hundreds of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees, gas, accommodations and meals
  • You no longer have to buy extra large garbage bags, because the empty, 40 pound dog food bags work just as well
  • Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask questions because they heard you were a" dog person"
  • Your mom calls and asks how the granddogs are
  • Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs
  • Your cookie jar has never seen the likes of people cookies
  • You rip up the carpet and lay tile to make clean up so much easier
  • Your children (wife, husband, etc.) complain that you always take more pictures of the dog than you do of them
  • While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there anyone else in your family besides the dog?"
  • Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs
  • Your first concern when planning a vacation is whether or not the hotel will take pets
  • You politely bow out of an important social engagement so you can attend a dog show
  • The number one priority when buying a new house is the size and landscape of the backyard
  • The only (or at least first) forum you log onto is the animal forum
  • You describe your children as having temperaments rather than personalities
  • The cost of boarding your furkids equals that of your entire vacation
  • Your dog decides he doesn't like someone and you tend to agree
  • All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house
  • Your friends know which chair not to sit in
  • First time visitors wonder aloud: "Do you smell something?" and you really don't
  • You become the family dog kennel for all your relatives
  • You don't think twice about sitting on the floor because both the couch and the chair are completely dog full
  • Your desk proudly displays your canine family
  • All dates must pass your dog's inspection
  • The first question you ask when on a date is: "So, do you like animals?"
  • You buy a bigger bed that will comfortably sleep six
  • You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on
  • More than half your grocery money goes to dog food and treats
  • You buy a mini-van to give them all enough travel room
  • Your carpeting matches the color of your dog-purposely
  • The thought of changing a baby's diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up dog poop barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye
  • You send out especially-made holiday cards that feature you and the dogs
  • Your spouse issues the ultimatum: "It's them or me!" and you have no problem pointing out the suitcase
  • You readily allow your dogs to give you slobbery kisses, but you don't dare wipe a toddler's nose
  • Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged pal, bite for bite
  • Your dog has the best birthday party over and above any kid in the entire neighborhood
  • Your dogs eat only the most nutritionally sound food, while your favorite meal is mac'n cheese
  • You've traced your dog's family tree further than you have your own
  • You're more familiar with dog laws than you are with people laws
  • You stagger your dog magazine subscriptions to make sure you'll receive one every week
  • Your vet's office number is the first one on your speed dial list, his home is number two
  • One of your vet files is labeled "Other"
  • Your vet takes a few extra courses just to keep up with your breed's assorted ailments
  • Your file is the only one that remains in the "IN" box at the vet's office
  • Your file rivals War And Peace
  • You can't remember family birthdays and anniversaries, but you can rattle off a six generation pedigree with birthdates, health data and coat colors at the drop of a hat.
  • You have *two* dog doors between the house and the fenced yard, so the doggies can run circles, half inside, half outside.
  • You rush to get home from work in time to get some of what your spouse is fixing for the dogs, since s/he doesn't cook for you.
  • You've just spent $60 on groceries and realize none of it is for yourself.
  • Anyone can look at your (pick all that apply) --- T-shirt - sweatshirt - coffee mug - keychain - beach towel - cooking apron - couch throw - tote bag - computer screen saver/wallpaper/mousepad/wristpad/monitor frame - gift wrapping paper - photographic displays - calendars - refrigerator magnets - weather vane - door mat - bumper stickers - umbrella - Christmas sweater - socks - embroidery project - child's collection of stuffed animals - sheets and bedspread - checks - checkbook covers - throw pillows - Home Pages --- and know immediately that you are a dog lover, AND probably what particular breed you favor.
  • Your bedspread doesn't have to coordinate with the bedroom, as it's always covered with a sheet for the dogs, anyway. Ditto for the couches.
  • The family's eye doctor is located in town, but the dog's ophthalmologist is located a two-hour drive away.
  • Your medications are available at the drug store down the block, but your dog's medication has to be ordered from and shipped by a specialist.
  • It's easier to get a hairdresser's appointment for yourself than it is to get one for your dog.
  • Dog hair in food is just another spice.
  • Your dogs have their own Christmas card and gift list -- and they receive cards and gifts in return.
  • Your dogs have their own Christmas tree -- and it's so full of ornaments that they need a larger one.
  • The part of your will dealing with your dogs is longer than any other part.
  • The guardians of your dogs will receive a larger amount of insurance policy money than will all other members of your family, combined.
  • The instructions to the dog kennel are longer than the instructions to the house sitter.
  • Your personal library is heavy on dog books -- and so is the library for which you order books.
  • Your favorite month is April - National Dog Appreciation Month!
  • Your dogs have a larger wardrobe of holiday-related bandanas than you do.
  • You hate to go to the grocery store for people food, but when the dog treats are gone, off you go with no hesitation, even at the busiest time.
  • You have three Home Pages -- all of them dealing with your dogs, your friends' dogs, your dogs' friends, etc.
  • The most exciting times on vacations, no matter where in the world you go, is when you get to pet a dog (a "canine fix").
  • Most of your vacation pictures are of dogs around the world.
  • The largest display of collectibles in the house is dog stuff -- plates, photos, cards, etc.
  • Kiss your dog more than 10 times per greeting.
  • Introduce your dog to the photographer and ask would you like to kiss fido also.
  • Cut your vacations to 3 day weekends only.
  • Call long distance and talk with your dog.
  • Order 250 Xmas photos of just the dog, no family in photos.
  • Order 5 x 7 photos of the kids and order 16 x 20 of SPOT.
  • Your Mother's Day (birthday, anniversary, etc.) present is a puppy.
  • The only time you use your camper is for dog shows.
  • The part of the backyard you finish first is the dog run.
  • You spend more time on the computer dealing with "dog stuff" than "other stuff"
  • Your "Welcome" sign has a dog on it.
  • Your e-mail address is your kennel name.
  • Your e-mail address is your dog/s name.
  • When you can't find your kids, you whistle for them to come.
  • Alternatively, you call the children like a dog: "Here Angie, come on girl".
  • You named your last child after your favorite dog.
  • Your good double-breasted coat has gone without its inside button for four months because you can't be bothered to take 5 minutes to sew it back on, but you spend an hour a week stitching your dog's giggle ball back together.

The Price Of A Dog's Do

A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost.
Being told that it would cost her 60 bucks, she was shocked. "I only pay 50 dollars for my own haircut," she said with disdain.
"But you don't bite do you?" the groomer quickly replied.

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